Prepping for The Talk with Aging Parents This Thanksgiving—Not the Turkey

When it comes to Thanksgiving, most of us are focused on getting the turkey just right, planning the side dishes, and gathering around the table with loved ones. But while you are busy preparing the feast, do not forget about another crucial task: getting ready for “The Talk” with your aging parents.

And no, I do not mean answering questions about the secret ingredient in Patti’s perfectly cooked turkey from Bonji’s Turkey Farm that I might pass off as my own culinary masterpiece. I am talking about the conversations we need to have with our parents about their safety, care, and future plans. Over the years, I have seen it all—from unexpected crises to family dynamics so complex they make deciding who gets the turkey leg seem like a cakewalk.

Now, I may not be the expert in preparing a turkey, but I am confident in saying that I am an expert in helping families navigate these tough conversations and transitioning to assisted living or memory care. So, while you’re stuffing the turkey, let’s talk about prepping for a different kind of conversation this Thanksgiving.

Why Thanksgiving Is the Right Time for The Talk

Thanksgiving brings families together in a way few other occasions do. You are all in one place, often for more than just a brief visit, giving you the chance to notice those little signs that things might not be as manageable for your parents as they once were. You see expired food piling up in the fridge, unopened mail scattered around, or Dad moving a little more cautiously these days.

And why is this so important? Because the day after Thanksgiving is like Black Friday for my phone—it rings off the hook. Families who suddenly realize something has changed call me to figure out what to do next. I get it; it is overwhelming, and families are trying to process everything they notice over mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie.

Signs That Your Parents Might Need Help

During your time together this Thanksgiving, keep an eye out for these tell-tale signs that your parents may need a bit more support:

• Household tasks piling up: Unfinished laundry, dirty dishes, or general clutter that is starting to look like a permanent part of the decor.

• Changes in personal hygiene: Wearing the same clothes repeatedly or skipping basic grooming habits.

• Difficulty with mobility: Struggling to get up, walking more slowly, or frequent minor falls.

• Expired or spoiled food: A fridge that looks like a science experiment or meal delivery packages stacking up.

• Unopened or unpaid bills: Mail piling up like a game of Jenga or overdue notices in plain sight.

• Medication confusion: Pills scattered, in disarray, or missing doses.

• Cognitive changes: Repeating stories, getting confused about familiar names, or forgetting simple daily tasks.

• Driving concerns: Avoiding driving at night, recent minor accidents, or hesitance on familiar routes.

• Isolation: Declining social activities or showing signs of loneliness and sadness.

• Caregiver strain (if one parent is caring for the other): The primary caregiver looking worn down or neglecting their own health.

How to Approach the Talk with Aging Parents

Let us face it: having “The Talk” can want to try to carve a turkey with a butter knife. But with a little preparation and empathy, you can make these conversations more manageable. Here is how to tackle it:

1. Pick the Right Moment
   Do not start this conversation between bites of stuffing and pie. Instead, find a quieter, private moment—maybe while helping with dishes or during a post-meal walk. It is less about the perfect time and more about being considerate of the setting.

2. Start with Empathy
   Lead with concern, not criticism. For example: “Mom, I noticed there is a lot of expired food in the fridge. How are you feeling about cooking lately?” This opens the door for an honest discussion without making them feel defensive.

3. Prepare for Objections
   Resistance is normal, and you are likely to hear things like, “I’m not leaving this house!” or “There’s nothing wrong with my driving.” Respond with understanding: “I know how much this home means to you, Mom. Let us look into options together that could help you stay independent and safe.”

4. Suggest Scheduling a Doctor’s Appointment or Neurological Assessment
   If you are noticing memory issues, offer a proactive solution. Try something like: “Hey Dad, how about I set up an appointment at the Boston Center for Memory in Newton to have Mom get some more testing done? John took his dad there last year, and it really helped give him peace of mind.”

5. Discuss the Driving Concerns with a Solution
   If your parents’ driving abilities are raising concerns, consider taking the pressure off by shifting the responsibility to a professional. “Dad, I know you are worried about Mom’s driving, and if we can get her doctor to write a script for an occupational therapy driving assessment, we can contact one of the Spaulding Rehabs that offers a cognitive test. If she passes that, she will take a driving test. It will help both of you and take the stress off you having to take the keys away.”

6. Frame Assisted Living as a Positive Step
   Explain that moving to assisted living is not about losing freedom—it is about gaining security and peace of mind. “Living in assisted living does not mean losing your independence. You will have your own space and support if you need it. Think of it as a backup plan for staying independent longer.”

7. Offer Concrete Next Steps
   Do not leave the conversation open-ended. Suggest specific solutions like exploring meal delivery services, scheduling a community tour, or setting up a meeting with an elder law attorney. Show that you are there to help find options, not just point out problems.

8. Check Legal Documents
   While you are having these conversations, make sure health care proxies and powers of attorney are in place. And while you are at it, consider setting up your own, because planning is not just for aging parents—it is for all of us.

Real Life Scenarios

When families delay these tough conversations or avoid making proactive decisions, the consequences can be heartbreaking. Here are some real-life scenarios that highlight why planning is so critical:

1. Waiting to Save Money
   One family kept their mother living alone to save money, despite her declining mobility and increasing risks. She eventually fell, broke her hip, and was hospitalized. From there, her care needs escalated, and no assisted living facility would accept her. She ended up in a rehab facility that cost $16,000 a month in private pay for three years until she passed. Had she been in an assisted living community earlier, she could have aged in place and received care, potentially avoiding the $16,000 a month cost. While not all communities provide this level of care, some do, and it can be a more economical and supportive option for families.

2. Driving Concerns Left Unaddressed
   A daughter was afraid to take the car keys away from her mom, who had moderate dementia and lived just two miles away. Despite my urging to have the conversation, the daughter hesitated, saying, “Mom doesn’t get lost.” But dementia is not just about memory; it is also about reaction times and judgment. How many times have we heard of cars accidentally driving through storefronts or into crowds? Tragically, the following week, her mother got into an accident and hit a family of four. Both cars were totaled, but thankfully, everyone was eventually released from the hospital. It is a situation that could have been avoided with timely intervention.

Changing Up Your Thanksgiving Prep This Year

At Family Choices for Dementia, our focus is helping families throughout the entire process of finding assisted living and memory care options. Having an advisor or consultant who understands the culture, costs, staffing, and differences in what to look for is far more reliable than going on the computer and contacting an online referral service that sends your name to multiple communities. Often, the person you are talking to is out of state and lacks local insights.

We not only help with assisted living but can also provide resources for neurologists, elder law attorneys, home care options, and more. We even set up family Zoom meetings to get everyone on board and educate families on what to expect for care and costs. Having a knowledgeable guide through this process ensures you are not alone in making these crucial decisions.

Final Thoughts

Thanksgiving is a time for family, gratitude, and being together. It is also an opportunity to ensure your parents’ needs are met and their safety is secured. And while you are checking in on their health care proxy and power of attorney, consider setting up your own. Planning is not just for aging parents—it is for all of us.

This Thanksgiving, let us change up the prep. Be proactive, be empathetic, and have a plan in place. And who knows, with all this preparation, you will finally find out the secret ingredient to Bonji’s perfect turkey! 😉 Patti Sullivan patti@fcfd.care www.fcfd.care