"Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First": A Caregiver's Most Important Lesson
As I was sitting on the plane the other morning, listening to the flight attendant explain the safety procedures, something resonated with me deeply. "In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Put on your mask before assisting others."
It struck me that many of us instinctively reach over to save our loved ones first, not thinking about our needs. At that moment, I realized this is exactly like my day-to-day work with caregivers of people with Alzheimer's and dementia.
The question is simple but profound: How can you care for your loved one if you don't first take care of yourself?
We've all heard this airplane safety instruction countless times, yet we often ignore this essential wisdom when it comes to caregiving. As caregivers, we pour our energy, time, and hearts into looking after those we love. We schedule doctor's appointments, manage medications, prepare meals, assist with bathing, handle financial matters, and provide emotional support—often while juggling careers and other family responsibilities. In the process, our own needs frequently take a backseat.
But here's the reality: everyone suffers when we neglect our well-being. Just like in that airplane scenario, if you pass out from lack of oxygen, you can't help anyone else.
The Real Cost of Neglecting Your Oxygen Mask
In my years working with families facing dementia, I've seen this scenario countless times: the dedicated caregiver who burns out entirely and reaches a breaking point. The calls come too often—distressed caregivers in crisis mode who need immediate help.
I'll never forget the Saturday night call from a husband crying uncontrollably. He had left his spouse at home and walked out because he "couldn't do it anymore." He was consumed with guilt, believing he had failed his wife and their marriage vows. But he hadn't failed—he had hit burnout after months of 24/7 caregiving without support or breaks.
Or the family who suddenly faced a double crisis when a seemingly healthy caregiver had a severe heart attack, leaving their spouse with dementia essentially widowed and without a care plan.
I've witnessed adult children who gradually sacrifice everything:
Missing their weekly yoga classes that kept them centered
Canceling coffee dates with friends who provided emotional support
Giving up golf games that offered stress relief and exercise
Spending less time with their children because they're constantly running to care for aging parents
Family caregiving dynamics often evolve naturally but not always equitably. Frequently, one adult child—usually the one who lives closest to the parents—gradually assumes more and more responsibility. Sometimes, this happens through unspoken assumptions rather than explicit conversations about shared care. The nearby family member becomes the default for doctor appointments, medication management, and emergency calls, while long-distance siblings may struggle to find meaningful ways to contribute from afar.
This geographic reality doesn't reflect different levels of love or commitment, but without open communication and planning, it can lead to an unsustainable situation for the primary caregiver. Distance makes care coordination more challenging. However, with thoughtful planning, even far-away family members can provide meaningful support through regular video calls, managing finances remotely, researching resources, or arranging respite care visits.
I aim to reduce these crisis calls by educating families on the importance of planning and consistent self-care. When the primary caregiver finally crashes—physically, emotionally, or both—the consequences ripple through the entire family. Emergency care arrangements must be made. The person with dementia faces a disruptive transition. Recovery for the caregiver becomes much more complex than if they had practiced consistent self-care all along.
Practical Connection Strategies for Caregivers
Staying connected to your support network and the outside world isn't just lovely—it's necessary. Here are strategies I recommend to the families I work with:
Community Connections
Memory Cafés: These special gatherings are designed for people with memory loss and their caregivers to socialize in a safe, supportive environment. You and your caregiver can enjoy activities and conversation without worry.
Senior Centers: Many offer adult day programs where your loved one can engage in activities while you take time for yourself.
Support Groups: In-person and online groups provide invaluable emotional support from others who truly understand your journey.
Scheduled Relief
Create a weekly calendar: Work with family members to establish regular, dependable time slots when someone else takes over caregiving duties. For example, arrange for your sister to come every Wednesday afternoon, allowing you to attend a class or have lunch with a friend.
Establish routines: People with dementia often do better consistently, and having regular caregiving help on the schedule can also become part of their routine
Virtual Support
Facebook support groups: These can be accessed at any hour when you need encouragement or advice.
Family text groups: Create a specific group for updates and requests related to your loved one's care. This will maintain connections while also distributing information efficiently.
Friend check-ins: Ask a few close friends to text you regularly to check on you. Sometimes, just knowing someone is thinking of you makes a difference.
Mini Mindfulness Practices
Five-minute meditation: Apps make this accessible even during busy days. Try during your loved one's nap time or while waiting at appointments.
Gratitude moments: Each night, identify one joyous moment from the day, no matter how small.
Deep breathing: Practice while washing dishes, sitting at red lights, or during other transition moments in your day.
Health Maintenance
Regular physician visits: Continue with routine visits to your physician. Caregivers often cancel their appointments while keeping their loved ones’ medical schedules.
Neurologist appointments: Maintain regular check-ins with your loved one's neurologist and other physicians to ensure appropriate care and medication management.
Preventive care: Don't postpone screenings and preventive care that could identify health issues early.
Remember, maintaining connections and your health isn't selfish—it's keeping your oxygen flowing so you can continue providing the care your loved one needs.
Self-Care Isn't Selfish: It's Essential
Many caregivers feel guilty taking time for themselves. They worry they're being selfish or abandoning their loved ones. But consider this: self-care isn't a luxury—it's a necessity for sustainable caregiving.
Think of yourself as the most essential equipment in your caregiving toolkit. Just like any tool, you require regular maintenance to function correctly. When you're running on empty, your ability to provide quality care diminishes, no matter how good your intentions.
Practical Self-Care Strategies for Busy Caregivers
Self-care doesn't have to mean expensive spa days or week-long retreats (though those are nice when possible!). It can be woven into your daily life in small but meaningful ways:
Physical Self-Care
Micro-exercise sessions: Even 10 minutes of movement can boost energy and mood
Nutritious grab-and-go options: Stock your kitchen with healthy, easy-to-prepare foods
Sleep hygiene: Create a bedtime routine that helps you maximize the quality of your rest
Regular health check-ups: Don't postpone your medical appointments
Emotional Self-Care
Five-minute meditation: Apps like Calm or Headspace offer quick guided sessions
Journaling: Spend a few minutes writing down thoughts and feelings
Connect with others: Join a caregiver support group (online options make this more accessible)
Allow yourself to feel: Acknowledge difficult emotions rather than suppressing them
Social Self-Care
Virtual coffee dates: Schedule video calls with friends when in-person visits aren't possible
Ask specifically for what you need: Instead of saying, "Let me know if you can help," try, "Could you pick up groceries on Thursday?"
Maintain one meaningful relationship: If you can't sustain many social connections, nurture at least one.
Spiritual Self-Care
Connect with your values: Remind yourself regularly of why you chose to provide care
Find meaning: Look for the profound moments within caregiving challenges
Practice gratitude: Note one positive thing each day, no matter how small
Engage with your faith tradition: If applicable, maintain connections to spiritual practices that sustain you
Creating Your Self-Care Plan
Take a moment right now to complete this quick exercise:
Identify three warning signs that you're reaching your limits
List two small self-care activities you can realistically incorporate this week
Name one person you can call when you need support
Determine one thing you can delegate to someone else
Post this list somewhere you'll see it daily—perhaps on your bathroom mirror or refrigerator door. Consider it your oxygen mask instructions.
The Power of Respite Care
Sometimes, self-care means temporarily stepping away. Respite care—whether through family members, friends, adult day programs, or professional services—provides crucial breaks that allow you to recharge.
Many caregivers hesitate to use respite services due to guilt or concerns about the quality of care. However, research shows that regular respite breaks benefit the caregiver and often improve the relationship between the caregiver and care recipient.
A Final Thought
Remember that putting on your oxygen mask first isn't selfish—it's the most responsible thing you can do for the person you love. By maintaining your health and well-being, you ensure you'll be able to provide the best care possible, not just today but for the journey ahead.
Your loved one needs you to be well. And you deserve to be well, too.
How Family Choices for Dementia Can Help
At Family Choices for Dementia, we understand that caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's or dementia is one of life's most challenging journeys. Our mission is to support caregivers at every stage of this process with personalized guidance and practical resources.
Our services include:
Early Intervention Support: Beginning as early as diagnosis, we provide education about what to expect, care options available, and financial considerations for long-term planning. Being prepared reduces crisis decision-making later.
Senior Living Placement: We help families find the right assisted living or memory care communities for their loved ones, matching their needs, preferences, and budgets. Our extensive knowledge of local facilities saves families countless hours of research and visits.
Family Meeting Facilitation: We coordinate and facilitate family Zoom meetings to ensure all members—regardless of location—have input in care decisions. These structured conversations help families develop unified care plans with clear responsibilities.
Transition Support: Moving a loved one with dementia requires special consideration. We provide guidance on timing, communication approaches, and practical steps to make transitions to memory care as smooth as possible.
Dementia Education: Our regular tips and resources help caregivers understand dementia behaviors, develop effective communication techniques, and create appropriate environments for their loved ones.
Caregiver Wellness Support: We emphasize the importance of caregiver self-care through all our services, helping you develop sustainable care plans that protect your well-being.
Remember, seeking help isn't a sign of failure—it's a sign of wisdom. Contact us today to learn how we can help you put on your own oxygen mask while providing the best possible care for your loved one.
